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SPORTS MONDAY NEWS
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: December 31, 2022
SPORTS MONDAY SURPRISE ELECTIONS TO BE HELD
WEST C0AST, USA — A special congress of Sports Monday North America ® is scheduled to convene here
on New Years Eve to elect new Sports Monday officers for 2023, sources revealed this morning.
“it’s a surprise vote,” said a stunned Sports Monday insider who asked not to be identified due to concerns
about being identified.
“But big surprises — that’s just not the Sports Monday way,” he added. “You don’t just spring things on duly
certified Sports Monday members. So here’s calling on the entire membership to show up tonight for the
candidates of their choice.”
What’s known so far is that Sports Monday is a highly mobile global think tank headed by people named Pete
and Spencer.
On Mondays they ride bicycles, play underhanded catch (making laterals, as
it’s known professionally), and speak about what they did the week before as well as what they might do in the
week coming up.
They also complete an annual training and re-certification course on a local higher-education football field.
And they begin all other weekly Sports Monday North America sessions in portable metal chairs that a local
Starbucks lets them put on the sidewalk out front.
“There’s more to it,” the insider said of established Sports Monday policies and procedures. “Not that much
more, but enough for now.”
Election results will be announced before midnight. Winning candidates set the agenda for the coming year. A
tie vote results in a recount.
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THE “SORRY I’M BUSY CALENDAR” OF EXCUSES IS FINALLY UNDERWAY
MARCH 14, 2020
PORTLAND, OR — Through an ongoing discussion over the last 30 years with Sports Monday Auxiliary Member Big Rick, we at Sports Monday have decided that we need to finally get serious about the long-planned creation of something we like to call the “Sorry I’m Busy Calendar.” The Sorry I’m Busy Calendar — as originally envisioned those 30-plus years ago but never actually written up because we were too busy — would come equipped with 365 readymade excuses, one for each day of the year; plus, if you sign up for our bonus edition, an extra excuse for leap day every four years.
So here we go with respectful nominations for the first few excuses, starting with January 1.
*****
SORRY I’M BUSY, BUT…..
I am in Idaho.
I have stumbled over my carafe of absinthe.
I am shortening my couch and my chainsaw has snagged in the crosspiece.
It rained last night and I am towel-drying my grass.
I am running a little late and since I never show up late, I need to cancel.
I’d be there except part of an ocean is in my way.
I have become surprisingly fascinated by whatever it is I’m doing right now.
I tried calling you three times last night but each time it turned out I didn’t have a phone. To be honest at first I blamed you when I didn’t hear back, but then I checked inside my hand for where a phone is supposed to be, and there was nothing there. Once I can understand, but three times?
I am waiting for a cab in or near the Dzhugdzhur Range.
I am inventing a new form of imitation wood siding, but so far it looks too real.
I would love to, but my wicker laundry hamper-weaving class is running late.
I’ve promised to make 7 shadow figures and I’m waiting for the clouds to clear.
I’m leading a cross-country prune promotional tour and I’ve been running here and there.
Unfortunately this morning I just started writing a book and it’s not done.
My fault, I thought we said 10 a.m. in Belgium.
I’m really sorry, but that’s the day I’d already planned to wake up with a headache.
I’m brushing my teeth and it turns out I have more teeth than I thought.
I bought a Plymouth but I thought it was a Dodge, so I’m tied up in counseling.
A large chuck roast has fallen onto my lap and my butcher is not picking up.
So many things just came up that I thought I couldn’t even begin to count them, but then I started and I’m only on 16.
I’ve gone into the “no vacancy” sign business at a very busy motel.
I was on night patrol when the sun suddenly came out, setting me back 12 hours.
I am a skydiver and my chute won’t open.
I am in a rhyming contest and I am stuck on orange.
I am in Kansas.
This marks the conclusion of the first two dozen nominated excuses, leaving about 340 still required to fill out the calendar. Interesting fact: These first two dozen finally happened only after some 30 years of each of us doing completely nothing. So if we wait another 30 years before submitting the next two dozen excuses, our arithmetic suggests the full and final calendar will be ready for committee consideration by no later than 390 years from now in the year 2,460. Of course that is magical thinking. Sports Monday members, come on! We need to get on this! So sorry that each of your are so busy, but let’s stop making excuses and finally make a considered effort to get this all done by no later than the 22nd Century. Thank you.
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Sports Monday, LLC
## PRESS RELEASE ##
Contact: Mort Sunday, Vice President of Public Relations
# FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
First Sports Monday Official Team Announced
WESTERN HEMISPHERE, NOVEMBER 11, 2021 -- Fans who have longed for a way to show their loyalty to the vaunted Sports Monday franchise now have something to root for. The Sports Monday Basketball League was announced today, featuring the first official team: the Sylvan Spencers.
The Spencers are a dynamic franchise, known for crisp bounce passes and a strict adherence to health and wellness protocols. With boundless energy and unflagging enthusiasm, the Spencers will soon be making their mark on the Sports Monday league as the happiest team on the court.
“We want our opponents to enjoy the merciless beatings we’re giving them,” says team captain Big Spence. “It’s not about whether you win or lose, though if you play us, a loss is a veritable certainty. I just don’t know of any other squads that travel to the games via 10-speed, uphill, both ways. And when we arrive, teams will have to prepare for any contingency, from basketball to football to badminton, and any game in between. Don’t get me started about the professional tug-o-war kit. We can do it all, without breaking a sweat or losing our smile.”
As well as their relentless positivity, the Spencers honor the Sylvan neighborhood, embodying a nod to the heritage of the West Portland pick-up sports scene. Broken windows, smoke-filled attics, and bent bike wheels all testify to the impact of that region’s most rambunctious future athlete. Now that energy is laser-focused into leading the Spencers into athletic adventure.
“The time has come, the future is now, and the ribs are on the grill,” added Spence. “Suit up, come early, stay late, have fun, and for God’s sake make sure those laces stay tied. The only injuries we need are the bruised egos of anyone foolish enough to take on the Spencers.”
The New York Oswalds are expected to join Sylvan as the next team in the Sports Monday league, led by owner, manager, coach, and captain, Big Pete.
“Applications are now being accepted from anyone who thinks they’re worthy of picking up the high-vis gauntlet that Big Spence has laid down,” says B.P.
But for now Spence is happy to occupy first, and only, place. “They say it’s lonely at the top,” he adds, “but someone has to be there, looking down from the pinnacle of achievement. And I gotta say, I like the view. Now if you excuse me, I have a football to toss around.”
#END
DUO LEAPS FOR THE SKY, ASCENT RECORD SET
Western Hemisphere, December 2019
SPORTS MONDAY NEWS HAS JUST LEARNED THAT BOTH FOUNDING MEMBERS
RECENTLY SET WORLD ASCENT RECORDS DURING THE ANNUAL SPORTS MONDAY RECERTIFICATION COMPETITION IN THE SO-CALLED
“HIGH-ALTITUDE ASCENT” EVENT ON A CLANDESTINE DOWNTOWN FIELD.
THEY EACH ASCENDED WITH SUCH VELOCITY THAT THEIR SPECIALIZED SPORTS ACTION CAMERA WAS UNABLE TO CAPTURE AN IMAGE (Please see above) OF THEIR ACCELERATING HEADS.
THE TWO CO-FOUNDERS RECORDED JUMPS THAT MEASURED IN AT 3 1/4 AND 3 INCHES RESPECTIVELY.
“I WOULD HAVE HIT FIVE FEET BUT I STILL FELT FULL FROM THANKSGIVING,” CO-FOUNDER LARGE PETE REMARKED MOMENTS AFTER HIS NEVERTHELESS REMARKABLE FETE. “NOW I JUST WANT TO GO HOME.”
“I DIDN’T FEEL WELL EITHER,” ADDED THE HEAVY, ALSO KNOWN AS BIG SPENCE, “BUT AT LEAST WE STILL QUALIFIED.”
How They Did It: A few technical specs
Q. What really happened during a recent high-level Big Pete & Big Spence Sports Monday competition with all conditions arguing against success?
Best Answer: What occurred was this: A record-smashing, inches-high annual leap for each of the two participants. But how did they do it? Well, even the simple answer gets technical. But thanks to this photographic evidence, the remarkably complete trajectory of each competitor can be translated into simple scientific terms: Up, up, up, up, a minute or so of hang time, then down down down hard. Please note their form, it’s educational. And to track the progress of their flight, always scroll from left to right.
TRAJECTORIES OF TRIUMPH
AFTER A DECADE OF QUIET DREAMS, FINALLY A DAY OF DRAMA
INAUGURAL AWARDS ANNOUNCED
WESTERN HEMISPHERE, DECEMBER 2019 -- In the turbulent decade since Sports Monday launched itself from just a dream to some would say the most widely heralded sports franchise in history of the world, including the original Greek Olympics, the only things missing have been (a) any real outside interest beyond Big Pete and Big Spence and their supportive Big Jill-and-Big Wendy nuclear families, and (b) a properly magnificent awards ceremony to annually celebrate those responsible for propelling Sports Monday to this point.
This evening, that all changes.
As a founding member of the original Big Pete & Big Spence Sports Monday enterprise, together with adjutant Big Wendy, I’d like to announce the results of the first annual Celebration of Sports Monday True Life Heroes. You might ask: What in the world are you talking about? Who are these so-called nominees? And also, how could you possibly ever narrow it down to just one single deserving winner?
With just a little digging the answers are surprisingly simple. According to the Big Pete & Big Spence Sports Monday bylaws, all nominees must be regular participants in all aspects of weekly Sports Monday Business Meetings, show up outfitted at least once monthly in all Sports Monday gear, be at least________ (Please fill in the blank here) years old and be named either Peter or Spencer.
As we await the announcement of this year’s winner, let’s reflect for a moment on what’s been accomplished so far. According to the weekly logbook, the Sports Monday team this year has ridden its bicycles to places including Barsotti Park in Cedar Hills, the town of Boring on the flanks of the dormant volcano of Mt. Hood, the PSU football field and most recently, to the easy-access playground near the base of the Fremont Bridge, a last-ditch weekly destination where we throw the ball before heading back home on those days when we take too long to decide on anything better to do — and where, the judges might add, the Sports Monday team of Big Pete and Spence just last week nearly recruited a gentleman on a park bench who described himself as a former pro football player! Wow. He was sitting about 20 feet away while we played catch. He struck up a conversation by occasionally saying encouraging words like “good throw,” "rifle arm" and “hey, nice catch.” He finally asked who we were with, and after we replied in so many words, “We’re with Sports Monday,” he said he thought he’d seen that logo on our hats and that he wished he still knew someone to play catch on Monday's with at this point in his career. He did not actually come out and say this next part, but we took his quiet sentiment as an actual request that he would like a Sports Monday application form.
OK now -- let’s step back for a moment and put this into perspective. A former pro football player! Not just that, but a pro football player essentially nearly asking to join Sports Monday. On the face of it that sounds fantastic, but can we afford to entertain the idea of allowing professional athletes onto the Sports Monday team, and if so, what will our mission gain in return? An even higher profile than we already enjoy? It’s true that only one in a million make the grade as pros. On the other hand, out of some 7 billion people on Earth, only two have ever made it onto Sports Monday. So you can see there’s a lot to think about, but while we do, let’s push ahead with this evening’s celebration.
Without further talking, then, The 2019 Sports Monday team of Judges would like to hereby announce that of this year’s two qualifying nominees, only one of them has risen to the highest-ever recorded standards of year-round pedaling performance and overall pleasant behavior. As a result, your very own Sports Monday Judging Panel tonight wishes to present two of its highest annual awards — the “International Bright Red Hat of Sports Monday Signatory of Excellence Award,” together with the equally nice “2019 Golden Colored Always Steady Pedaling Medallion” to this year’s inaugural award winner, __________________________________.
As we present these awards, please hold your applause until the end as a courtesy to all of this year’s contestants.
AND NOW, __________________, PLEASE STEP FORWARD TO RECEIVE THIS AWARD FROM THE BEAUTIFUL BIG MS. WENDY. THANK YOU.
In accordance with the infinite number of regulations of the International Sports Monday Confederation of Federations, and in concert with the King and Queen, we hereby present you, Big Pete , with this year’s “International Bright Red Hat of Sports Monday Excellence Award” for 2019.
Next, please bow and bend your head just a little bit forward, toward the assembled crowd, so that your 2019 Sports Monday Judges Panel may additionally place around your head — as well as over and around your new red hat without knocking it slightly askew — the almost equally desirable “2019 Golden Colored Always Steady Pedaling Medallion.” Thank you.
As you probably already suspect, for the entire upcoming year this means you will assume lead responsibilities for spreading the valuable Big Pete & Big Spence Sports Monday talking points around the world. During your official duties, such as serving as grand marshal for parades or meeting with parliament, you will of course be wearing your royal ceremonial hat, which, as we’ve already explained repeatedly, is your freshly awarded “International Bright Red Hat of Sports Monday Excellence for 2019.”
But not just that. No, there’s much much more. Because you will, at other times, require much quieter-looking headgear for occasionally mingling with everyday crowds as you travel by foot from function to function, please also accept this regular-looking backup hat.
And so, Big Pete, to finally wrap up this ceremony, which once again has run a little long, thank you again for all the nice work this year. We honor you for helping make Sports Monday what it is. And to those of you in the audience, you may now applaud the recipient of this year’s inaugural Big Pete & Big Spence Sports Monday awards of excellence, plus the last-moment bonus hat for quiet time when you’re off the clock. Also, Happy Birthday.
…30…
November 2018
Sports Monday website announced, welcoming ceremony downsized
Western Hemisphere, November 2018 -- First, the news. Today amounts to the inauguration of the official Sports Monday worldwide website.Second, despite the gala nature of today’s event, we have chosen not to activate the complete welcoming ceremony with hazelnuts and name tags since probably the only ones here are us, Pete and Spencer, our two founding members, and we already know each other.Yet we are not alone in this. Imagine our families. Yes, it is true that we happen to have become the public faces of Sports Monday International by taking our bicycles outdoors on Mondays and stopping for a cup of coffee, and sometimes also a glazed donut. But as we always like to say, “We could have achieved none of this without the love and support from our Sports Monday co-members back at Mission Control. They include our brides Big Wendy & Big Jill, and our California-based global marketing directors Big Jason and Big Lisa who, along with sidekicks Big Albert and Big Einstein, created this website as a 2018 surprise birthday present to Big Spence with this largely unspoken directive:‘Get out there and provide content if that sounds like something you'd like to do.’”Message received. For us, an unspoken implication is all it takes. Starting now our hope is for Pete to make sure that Spencer is adding content here for Pete to read, and for Spencer to make sure that Pete keeps adding a lot of content for Spencer. Also, for our mission controllers to keep an eye out for any lack of wordiness. That’s it for now. Thank you for attending. Things do seem a little too quiet, so let’s just play ourselves off the stage by uploading our original Sports Monday announcement press release from exactly a year ago. If that sounds like old news, we like to say not really since no one’s read it anyway. And meanwhile let’s all take to heart this message — that all peoples who dream of someday being able to ride their bicycles and play catch on a Monday morning can somehow come to be able to ride their bicycles and play catch on a Monday morning, unless there is something else to do. Later we will publish a huge list of other things to do, none of them recommended.
Sports Monday Franchise Expands
WESTERN HEMISPHERE, DECEMBER 2017 -- No doubt you've heard the buzz. Maybe it's coming from your county librarian, or your corner veterinarian, or even your local human resources director. It turns out dozens of ordinary people have been asking, "What is Sports Monday?"
Is it two individuals silently playing catch alone on a street corner in the rain? Or is it more accurately seen as a global marketing machine with 16 product divisions in three dozen countries producing everything from carbide power saws to sporty luggage and apparel?
Though most analysts say it's too soon to care, two figures emerge from the rain to say they'd like to settle this global mystery.
"Sports Monday,' says the taller of the two, "amounts to the profound juxtaposition of two disputed realities into one highly marketable 'Segment of Fun' per participant, per week."
The speaker turns out to be Sports Monday co-founder Peter "Big Pete," and he goes on to make things clear: "It's not so much about dominating the world market as it is about showing up on a Monday around 9:30am at the Starbucks on Lovejoy, getting coffee and deciding whether to ride around somewhere or just go back home."
"I imagine we got large by thinking prodigiously small," adds the shorter of the two, bespectacled co-founder Spencer "Big Spencer" of Northeast Portland, also known as The Heavy. "In fact, sometimes we walk our bicycles only as far as the nearest corner. Sometimes that's enough for the day. Other times, we'll just talk. What we talk about is someday once again riding across the river to Vancouver, just like we did that time before when it was so stormy out."
When extremely pleased Sports Monday stockholders ask the two founders how the first struck upon the once-novel concept of playing catch while also riding bicycles, both founders defer to the early work of the Etruscans, a civilization that produced ruins well before the Romans without ever getting credit.
"That won't happen again," Big Pete says. "We've already started the global notification process."
Such large-scale corporate "branding" always presents a challenge, but this time around it's in capable hands out of Southern California. Sports Monday brand-imaging supervisors Big Lisa and Big Jason recently launched an international campaign with the distribution of 4 Sports Monday sweatshirts, 3 hats, 2 bumper stickers, 2 pens, 1 weekly logbook and 1 water-resistent shoulder bag to carry everything in. Meanwhile, Portland's Big Jill and Big Wendy manage the initial two Sports Monday dispatch centers out of Western Oregon.
So where does Sports Monday go from here?
"Probably we're going to be seeing a lot more of Sports Monday spinoffs due to our renewed emphasis on exploring Portland's Inner Southeast Industrial District," opines Big Pete. "The Heavy and I already know they have a hotdog stand in there. That's the place we've been to twice. We'd eat there more, but sometimes we can't recall exactly where it is, so we end up just riding up one street and down another. After that, it's time to go home again. I'd say that's probably the magic of Sports Monday. Also, now we're hearing talk about Tuesday.''
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